2022-05-05 11:52 am
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Exile

I think call outs are really neat actually in that it lets us get a developmental view of one of the oldest punishment systems, branding/exile. we all witnessed how people came to the conclusion that marking people as undesireable is a good idea - by painting pictures of monsters. Someone in exile is subject to wild beasts and closed off from sources of food and shelter, just like someone disgraced by the public finds it harder to get a job, and people reluctant to put them into the public sphere = job ceilings.

The reason that exile is preferred over other punishment is that it's not physically cruel, but rather socially cruel, isolating someone from human company and subjecting them to the mercy of their mental demons - an element of imprisonment, another common punishment.

Someone branded yet still integrated into society suffers loss of food and shelter as previously discussed but also a form of social punishment where violence toward you is acceptable, often resulting in physical injury... The uniqueness of this repeated injury, like a torture method, is that it does not use something like an elaborate device for causing pain, but rather "humanity" as a tool for torture. Other people, the "Other" in our mind distinguished from the Self. Metaphysical. Promethean.
2022-04-03 12:06 pm
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Racism and Languages

My new theory on why adults think your ability to learn language magically disappears when you grow up is because they developed prejudices that hindered their ability to project. To learn a language you really have to pretend to be the person that's speaking.

(fuck. not me using "adults" in a sentence as a category that I'm clearly placing myself outside of. that's so embarassing. I have to edit it to say something like "when I was younger I never believed adults when they said you couldn't learn a language" etc etc...)

Wwhen I watch Chinese people speak, am I placing myself in the same category of or as different from them? I'm definitely, have been for years, putting myself in the same category as a "White heterosexual man" in this society to prove that I'm exactly the same as him. But when I watch Chinese newscasters or reporters or streamers, am I positioning myself subconsciously as "something that's definitely different from you"? I think I am. I think I have an aversion from seeing myself as the same as them because of racism. This makes it more difficult to learn the language! Essentially you have to be really good at empathy to figure out why someone who's fluent is using the language in a number of specific ways, and if there are barriers to empathy, there ya go.

(Maybe my social development is this way because I didn't have as much access to my peers as a small child on account of immediately attaching to the adults around me, who told me that my peers were wrong about everything.)

Part of our evolution as social creatures is that ingroups and outgroups can have a significant impact on our learning of skills, and that while social discrimination plays a big part of that, it's not solved by just "saying you're not doing it" and putting in a lot of restrictions on what entertainment can show to the public. In fact, ingroups and outgroups are just baked into the geopolitical history and impacts everything we do regardless of what *etiquette* we implement to try and counteract it.
2022-03-15 11:24 pm
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The Underdogs

Doublelift talks to his fans with so little emotion. He has so many scripts now, he masks effortlessly. He's so smooth while he's coldly monetizing his stream and building a successful life with his skinny, hot manager girlfriend. I just think CEOs are lonely and so is Doublelift. He was a bullied overweight kid, and while being one - just like I was - he accumulated a lot of intelligence and a lot of trauma, and right now his rapid successful lifestyle isn't going to give him space to process that trauma, he just keeps seeing people as tools and accepting perspectives that he's a good person and society works.

Thinking about all of those successful people with lots of money - the top of the leaderboard. A lot of them were bullied kids, too. I think it's a type of person, if we think about instinct and pack mentality, I think that it's built into us that when we're the underdogs and we fight our way out of a traumatic situation, we use our intelligence and come out on top, we seize the territory and are confident in our dominance.

(disclaimer: I'm projecting, I don't know the real Doublelift, this is only a version of him that exists in my head based on a curated online persona that he performs that I'm using to understand myself)
2022-03-08 03:56 pm
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Mar 8 2022

15,000

Chlorine bleach

40,000 Tequila Popsicles

Making people run into the playground really fast

New kid

Queer kids

D&D backpack with journalism degree on the back
2022-03-08 03:55 pm
Entry tags:

Humble Values

What is money? It's an agreement between people that something is worth the same as something else. (rei: a representation of contribution, a pwomise that you will make yoruself useful in the bastract.) It's a statement of trust that a task will be done in the future. It's chains that bind you to promises. It's the power to make people do something.

(this is why I was never good with money, because rather than being concrete like people try and present it, it's a representation of a social concept, which have always been difficult for me to understand)

[rei: when I think about that I think of the pentacles suit in tarot, & like how that's a hyper concentrated version of the "earth element" in tarot, & that quadrant represents material resources & the work those resources require]

[rei: yeah exactly. bc of that I think that people who have a lot of money/assets don't actually *have* all of that like you wouldn't be able to be rich without being involved with a shitload of ppl]

Right like I have no idea how Elon Musk lives but essentially he can wave his hand and make ppl do things for him him right? but he wants to live like a regular guy he doesn't have the attention span for like... solving complex society problems. He wants to focus on tech gadgets so all of that power is going toward making ppl divert attention away from social issues and on how to make cool things. that's why there's no funding for essential things.

Because you're using your power to say stop paying attention thingsl ike taking care of your elderly father, or how to find happiness in life, use it to make cheap food so lots and lots of people can crunch numbers on a computer to make sure something something etc.

I've been living according to my childhood values which include living a humble life and paying little attention to money. But it's a little number (like a follower count) in the corner of your screen and they keep changing the game re: how you can spend those points because reality is constantly changing.

[rei: same here dude T__T I saw this thing recently that was like "if you're disgusted by money you'll never amass it" & I was like :( ]

[rei: like I would love to be wealthy & not have to worry about my material needs]

If I wanted to live a simple life, I could ignore it. But I don't, I wanna be a rockstar! I wanna shake things up in this dump of a world. So I need to use those little points.

There's no way to stay still right now in this world, at least as an urbanite I guess. You can't hold a small piece of land peacefully and grow it. There is a war and resources are constantly being taken from you. When you're under siege, you can't just be a simple humble farmer. You pick up your pitchfork. But they're not coming with pitchforks - A farmer can have a shotgun, too. Their weapons aren't fire or guns, they're an armored squad that will politely put you in a cage, unless you give them your property so they can bulldoze it, destroy everything you have, and con somebody into buying the land for inordinate amounts of money. And the public will do nothing because they agree that it was fair for them to have done so. The weapons were mana to psychically paralyze the people using leylines of magic - money, and logic.
2022-03-05 11:13 am
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Mar 5 2022

I guess... I was in school because my mom called me on the bus and I told her I went back to school to get some books.

I just know that Bunny used her doll as an excuse to get up right close to me when she was having a good time and I pushed her off and she thought that was sexual roleplay. I ran off crying.

I started texting some other friends like my friend who worked as a bartender and another friend, who said they would come over to my place. I didn't know why they wanted to come over when I was right there in the bar. Then there was some stuff about a baby's head getting bashed in or something so they had to see to that.

I got a lot of texts from Bunny, explaining that she wasn't coming onto me, that she thought it would be okay because she was just playing with her stuffie, and I started composing a message of what I would say to her because it really wasn't her fault. I got some messages from my friends too. None from Jades.
2022-02-21 01:28 pm
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The infinite escape chamber

When I was a youngin reading science fiction there was this idea of a dream pod. It simulates a perfect world, and so many people became addicted to it that they stayed within these chambers until their bodies withered and decayed, and they died.

As a child this is a horrifying scenario. That there could be something so pleasant, that you would indulge in it until you died.

Is it a Christian notion, that following your pleasure will lead to destruction?

I feel checked out today. The stresses are so powerful, the pressure so enormous, that I want a holiday. I know when I am on summer break, I want the rigidity of work or school again. I don't like to imbibe forever. So I don't think people who stood to have something to lose out of real life, would be so tempted by infinte happiness as to lose something precious. I think of children who have already suffered so much, and would rather be numb going forward. I think we are meant for short, brilliant lives. If the slings and arrows of fortune have found us again and again, aging our spirit, does that spirit not deserve a peaceful retirement?

I would get up from the infinite pleasure machine eventually. After a month or two. If my experience in the real world was one of pain, it would be nice to have a reprieve from that pain. I think if people have suffered a lot in their lives then they deserve a vacation for their spirit for as long as they want. it's the least society can do for them after failing them.

What I was afraid of as a child was to lose the potential for a happy, tangible existence, with the withering away of my real body. But real bodies are in pain and bondage everywhere. I don't think there is intrinsic value in them, if we can free the spirit.
2022-02-12 05:42 pm
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Talking to the animalistic you

So the people who have the best morals should be in charge but sometimes they're not the ones that do the best job when they're in charge.

This is because having good morals and being able to MANAGE people are two different skills.

There are people who wouldn't be able to articulate their larger morals but they can lead a team because they know instinctually how to herd people to accomplish a task.

There are people who are very intellectually sound, have extremely good theories about the world, but they crash and burn in a leadership role because managing people will bring out the most intense emotions in you. a wide range of intense emotions. And when that happens, when you are exhausted and you are the worst version of you, being able to be the worst version of you is a skill that the people with very good morals do not have.

See the thing with morals and social theory is it's a focus on a good theoretical system, aka it's a goal that you want to get to. And seeing what a goal looks like is a very intellectual task. Now actually getting to that goal, aka facing obstacles between you and your goal in the forms of how to manage the people around you and your relationship to those people, that's going to be the domain of your animalistic side. Because your animal side is the one that likes being in a pack. It likes to be interacted with in a certain way. It can make others in your pack feel at ease.

The people who are very intellectually able to analyze the ramifications of the decisions made about other people around them have developed their rational mind so much, because it's so difficult in this complicated era to understand the things that people do to each other, that sometimes they neglect their relationships with others. How to amicably exist among people, how to address conflicts, how to love themselves and others in a practical, everyday sense - sometimes they're not as good at it.

I will, of course, become good at all of it.
2022-02-11 04:18 pm
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Class is a Performance.

Any time I'm in public it's a performance.

When I'm talking with my classmates over text I'm anxious and not at all in my element. But in a class,

My task is to absorb and be on top of all of the content and the instructor's state of mind (in order to figure out what they want.) By answering questions posed to the class, by letting classmates have their opportunities to learn, and by making jokes/comments during the material which display my mastery - I am in my element. I'm performing expertly and gracefully. If a stage cannot accommodate me, I leave the theatre. (i'm not present in phys or psych. I only make select appearances and cannot be commanded.)

But I can be in a performance all the time. I can perform "myself" whenever I need to. tehre's no need to have stage fright.

And when I'm alone and I feel mastery of myself, is that a performance? but alone the performance feels so natural. Perhaps I can extend this feeling to everybody around me, take everybody into myself and pose them as the "other" that I commune with when I'm very comfortable. After all, the "other" tells me things such as what the public opinion is at any point.

"First absorb. Find your stability. Then act."

First pause, be in the moment, and evaluate your game field. Then play.
2022-02-07 08:51 am
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Feb 7 2022

Sam from Stardew Valley was talking to another bachelor. I asked him how it went and he said he was smoking hot. There's a tall brick building in the woods that I tried to climb, my character scampered up the side but couldn't vault over unless I could lift my torso above the ledge and lock my elbows, which I didn't have enough purchase to do. I'm glad the first generation bachelors are getting along with the second generation bachelors. I saw myself as a younger person would see a cool 30-year-old, with black, bobbed hair.
2022-01-27 11:01 am
Entry tags:

Toxicity of Kindness

Was watching Broxah stream today. He got really tilted.

He got tilted because he had been coaching somebody on how to not tilt and play well despite setbacks - the next game his protege was on the opposite team, and his own team was playing very poorly, playing emotionally, and Broxah watched them make mistake after mistake, unable to do anything about it and questioning again and again, "Why are they doing this? Why don't they want to win? What can I do? I don't want to play this game anymore."

I think that being a kind person means that you consider effecting good consequences for those around you something that you can control, something that you will to happen, and when someone is behaving badly you wonder why they are choosing to behave that way. You are frustrated at the lack of control that you can have on the situation. You fall into a despair of not understanding why someone chooses to effect negative consequences on their environment. Because YOU can imagine yourself in that scenario and how you would behave to counteract your negative tendencies, you can't see why someone else is responding to a scenario in the way they are responding to it, rather you are hyperfixated on your judgement that the behavior they're exhibiting is the WRONG one - because you hold yourself to a standard where you don't perform it.


Being kind is to act in a way where a group of people have generally agreed upon a standard of acting, which is to say, to consciously change the way you act and be disciplined about it. The problem with discipline is that it can render you inflexible.

A kind person is an angry person in a situation they can't control, whereas an indifferent person who behaves sporadically at most times may be the one who has the energy to be kind when the patience of others fail them, or the empathy to be able to be kind, because they are perceiving the world around them without judgement.


It's very hard for me to accept that someone I live with or choose to spend my time around is not choosing the courses of action that would enable them to be effective, kind, healthy in their life. I think it's definitely true that I've tried to manicure the trajectory of my thoughts and actions to be optimal since a very young age. In Broxah's frustrations I see myself.

"I don't want to play this game anymore. What can I do? This is such a fun game, and if it's not this game it will be the next one. I can't do anything about the fact that people just don't try to win this game. And they get no consequences for it. Here they are, queuing up for the next game, where they will do the exact same thing. What is even the point? What's the point of playing this game?"

I know how he should react. (there's the judgement, again.) (Can you have growth and improvement without judgement? Is it better, or worse?) It's just a game. People have always played like this, so just accept that your teammates will make poor decisions and focus on your own play. (Maybe it's harder for a jungler who always has to look to others to make plays, whereas laners are usually a straightforward duel) 


When Sneaky fought Adam and Eve for the first time in Nier Automata, a scripted biased battle, he came back again and again, like 20 times, while chat told him to just quit and grind some more. He was getting one-hit and hardly doing any damage. But he found enjoyment in learning the enemy's instakill attack patterns. Every time he got just a little further in the scripted fight. The chat was spamming the dialogue that played at the beginning of each fight as a joke about how repetitive it was getting, how it was getting on their nerves. It didn't get on Sneaky's. When he played the fight to its timed conclusion, he gloated at chat. "Who needs to grind more now?" 

When Sneaky had bad teammates, he might be frustrated at them and make snarky comments at them when they made bad plays, but I think he found ways to be distracted doing his own thing. Maybe that's what Sneaky means when he says he's like a dog and doesn't remember bad emotions. If there's a program playing in your head all the time, which you can focus on instead of external things that demand your focus, maybe it's easier to bear the frustrations of the world. Sneaky's fight against Adam wasn't fair. The game was elevating the difficulty curve arbitrarily for that one instant. It's the game's perogative to do so, thought, right? It's not my game, it's the programmers' game. It's Yoko Taro's game. Don't I just have to trust Yoko Taro that this is gonna be fun? So the game League of Legends, when you're playing with teammates who can't regulate their emotions, that's not fair. I will lose a game because of no fault of my own. So, why attach importance to losing at all? Don't I have fun controlling my characters, playing out impossible scenarios, exercising my skill when I can?


To answer Broxah's questions: 
The people he's playing with might not be trying to win. They are walking their own, frustrated path. They do spend their whole day like this, playing out positive openings and raging and quitting negative ones. They don't get consequences because this is a way that works for playing this game. 

The thing is that everyone is playing the same game. Everyone enters the rift with five strangers, many of whom will be throwing the game. My own performance can make it so that we're more likely to win, but I can't guarantee it. So then, winning is nice as a treat, but is not an equal indicator of my effort or my skill. It can come as a result of it, but it doesn't determine it.
2022-01-27 08:23 am
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Jan 27 2022

The vibe of the setting is Sora Kingdom Hearts. I was part of a family that was in danger of beign split apart by welfare services. Or I was helping a family do that. I was planning to do some cleaning but the guy in the family unexpectedly started cleaning and got rid of a significant chunk of the mess (dishes? or something).

Later on there was a bench, like a foldable series of metal plates, that I was trying to nest into each other and place next to a tree. The world was magic and shifting around me and someone next to me was crying because they felt disconnected from me or their loved ones and me fixing these metal benches was going to fix it, I felt like.
2021-07-24 06:20 pm
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Jul 24 2021

I was in a roleplaying session, where everyone was dressed up. we were all collaborating on some ission and it was in an apartment. Then afterwards I improvised and decided to point my sword at one of the other characters calling them the target of my revenge plot for years. We fight. Then eventually I call it quits and laugh it off, saying I was just kidding. I say I gotta go back to my hotel. when asked the number I say ah... I forgot... and they're like 1225? and I say sure... that's it!

I leave the roleplaying session and see other people in cosplay along the hallways of the apartment as I exit. I notice how anxious I am, improvisation always leaves me with so much anxiety. I hoped I could learn to calm down. I think about cutting across the soccer field but I'm nervous that I'll be apprehended by a guy with a knife! There were stories of men killing girls for fun. I decided to walk along the major street. Still, as I approached an intersection, I was alarmed by two people on bikes who almost slammed into me from behind. I thought about kicking their wheels hard after they'd gone by so that they'd crash into the road, that would show them. But I didn't have the dexterity, and anyway I wasn't sure if they'd deserve that.

I turned the corner and there was a bus that had planted its whole front half right into the metal of a gas station. It was a surprise because I hadn't noticed it while walking along the other side of the station, apparently. I think they were carrying the driver out on a stretcher.
2021-07-23 09:39 am
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July 23 2021

My partner and I were travelling on a bus. we got off the bus to pursue these machine killers who had round eyes like mean look in pokemon. I was the bait, I was like a tall built guy, and my partner was like this short kid. I saw the whirling death machine and I ran the other way. Then a little ahead of me I saw that the kid had put something like a giant hot iron on the thing and was melting it. It was faster than I thought, having gotten ahead of me already. My partner was very competent.

Then I was along the riverside, and chased by one, and the regular people were scattering too - but I couldnt see it. I jumped into the river to deter it. But there were evil agents on the riverbank and they shouted insults at me as I swam, because although I dove down to swim they could still see my trail in the water. I decided to go to my family's far away cottage in the mountains to deal with the threat.

After climbing a wooden fence and going into white hills, there was the cottage. I fumbled with the keys and opened a door only to find a ton of stuff from updates and DLCs, and not what I remember of the original cabin experience. An unconscious guy was on the floor. There were paper packages. I remembered that this was just a bonus area and not the main door I was supposed to open. I went to open the front door. My daughter, older son, and their stepdad were living in that cabin. "I would never let ___ draw on my son's body," I thought to myself in a text screen. I was referring to my older son, who was a bit of an occult fanatic. I recalled that I would be going through this cabin, uncovering stories and secrets, while dodging the shadow creatures that were trying to kill me. I had a little buddha figurine - something that looked like a smiling buddha but had a different name - and that was the deity whose name I could call on to make one wish, once. I remember in a previous playthrough I had been trapped inside a blue bubble with shadow creatures surrounding me and I had used the wish to get rid of all of them. Can't I just use the wish to get rid of all of them now? I thought. If it's really a power greater than the shadow creatures. I sat down to dinner and told my daughter I had brought her a bottle of port that she liked. It was panned by the whole assembly. I took it out in a flourish and it shattered on the curtains behind me. Everyone just looked on with a deadpan. Was this realistic writing, wouldn't someone be kind? But I guess people aren't always kind, especially if they had reasons to look at me like that already
2021-07-18 07:47 am
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July 18, 2021

There was this big cathedral, looked like the Hammerlocke gym. Or maybe it was a village, or maybe it was underwater. I remember exploring it, trying to fortify it, it was very tall and dark and blue. I had a dream when I was a child about a big blue place, but I think it was made of shining tiles.

My grandpa had been helping out with everything but suddenly he said he had to go. He said he was going to put down, or give up, "my hair, my life, and everything" as he walked off. I ran after him. I respect his choices but I thought I could convince him. I told him there's so many stories he hasn't told me. He told my mom, for every item of ____ she bought him, to exchange it for one story for the little one. I cried and called his name. He looked so shrunken in his ill-fitting clothes and big hat.
2021-07-03 01:16 am
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jul 3 2021

so I was like a magical superhero and I was in Mr. Finucan's English or History class or something and he was realy entertaining and funy but I went down into oen of the bunrs outside to shoot and kill the enemies as usual, but then I lost my gun and picked up ohne of the enemies guns and it turns out its absolutely awful, the bullets don't even dome out oproperly and Finn from star wars was there and he gave me a really hard time and Jades and a little talking dog was there and at the end of it we were supposed to form an adventuring party so I added a little pithy dialogue to start the adventure and Jades was getting on my case about saying that I spoke "English" but the charcters were Korean so she was going to change hers to say English too

I tried to get t he drop on Finn and his older friend but the gun just shot water. he took my gun that had the real bullets in them for some reason